Inner Peace

Lord, I come to you with an open heart asking that you guide me during this day and beyond. Show me how to be the woman you would have me to be, to free myself from the past and embrace the future. In Jesus Name, Amen

I had a piece all prepared to write and when I sat down at the keyboard all of my words left me. No kidding. Nothing. Blank mind. Not a single thought of my "brilliant" post was left. So what better way to start than with a prayer. As I type these words I feel a calmness that wasn't there before. A calmness that I have desperately needed during the past few days.

You see, I have been taking care of sick children for an entire week now. And Friday I was sick myself. Not just sick, but the "I really am going to die" type sick. And lucky for me hubby had to work all day Saturday also, so no rest for the mommy. I noticed yesterday that the 'loving, caring, anything for you sweetie' mommy was disappearing quickly. My wonderful 4 year old who has been sick the longest was very whiny and not very receptive to any medicinal solutions I had for her. So a snapped at her more than a few times. Not nice, but that's where I was in the sick, sleep deprived role of motherhood.

My baby was finally able to sleep at 2AM this morning. Just long enough for me to take a nap. My alarm was set for 5AM. Time to start my day. Needless to say it has been a very LONG week for all of us. I prayed over her numerous times yesterday because she was so tired and so weak and nothing seemed to help her cough. Well praise God because her cough is finally gone and she is sleeping even now as I type.

I wish I had prayed sooner. I cannot believe I left it as long as I did. But yesterday it dawned on me. What would it take for her to be gone from me? She looked so pitiful and she hadn't really eaten in days. A few crackers here and there and some soup but not a lot. When I really sat down and thought about it I began to cry and pray. I realize that she is here for however long the Lord allows, just like all of us. So I need to keep my role as her caretaker in perspective and do just that.

I know that I will still struggle with my temper and that patience is not my strength but I can find it in HIM. The Lord taught me that I need to stay close to Him so that I can be the woman He wants me to be, the woman He created me to be.

So I ask, where do you stand? I do have to remind myself that it's not all about the destination but also the journey.
I hope some of these ramblings made sense. :)

You Are Where You Are

Lord, help me to be thankful in all that I have, all that I am, and all that I do. Amen

When was the last time you took a good look at your life? Or even yourself? This Thanksgiving I am sure that there will be plenty of extremes on both ends of the spectrum. There are going to be those that are thankful for what they have and that Mom and/or Dad still have a job or have a roof over their heads or that they have each other if nothing else. Then there will be those that moan and whine and lament over the fact that they don't have anything or don't have the newest car or the newest video game.

This Thanksgiving take a look at yourself in the mirror. I want you to examine your life inside and out. The physical, mental, emotional, your career, your home life, your demeanor. Throw it all out on the table and take a good long look. Now don't get down on yourself. I want you to pick out all the good stuff and say "Thank you" to God for having the good stuff to go with the bad. I know, I know. Some of you may be looking at the pieces laid out on the table (figuratively) and thinking "But there's nothing good there. My life is in the toilet."

Here's some things to be thankful for (I'm sure you can relate to at least one):

-You're kids are in good health.
-You are in good health.
-a roof over your head
-food to eat-even if it is beans and rice
-the fact your spouse hasn't left you even though your marriage is in the toilet right now
-if your spouse was abusive and they HAVE left
-you and/or your spouse has a job
-you have clothes to wear
-you have a great marriage even though you're broke
-your kids love you no matter what
-MOST IMPORTANTLY: GOD LOVES YOU NO MATTER WHAT

Quit your whining and your moaning. Say a heartfelt prayer to your creator and teach those you love about a truly thankful heart.

Did You Realize?

"I want a brand new video game system for Christmas." Little Turtle said to his mother.
Mother Turtle smiled. She had already bought Little Turtle a new bicycle. Mother Turtle knew that if she bought him video games then he would always stay inside and never learn the wonders of the outside world. Mother had found a bicycle during the Summer that was perfect for her Little Turtle. Now she had to figure out how she was going to give Little Turtle his present without him being disappointed?

The next day, Mother Turtle, left a picture of the bicycle laying on the kitchen table. She watched as Little Turtle picked it up, studied it, and put it back on the table. Quietly, he went outside to play.

Another day passed, a few of Little Turtle's friends rode their bikes into the driveway. As they left, Mother Turtle said, "Those are really neat bikes, too bad you didn't get one last year."

"Yea." Little Turtle said quietly.

Mother Turtle left the picture of the bicycle on the table day after day. Little Turtle looked at it day after day. She spent the next few weeks dropping hints about how great it would be if HE had a bike.

Christmas morning came and Little Turtle crept down the stairs to see the shiny red bicycle sitting in front of the tree.

"Momma, momma! Look what I got for Christmas! A bicycle, just like I always wanted!"

Mother Turtle smiled broadly. She knew this was the best present for him and now he knew it too.

Moral of the story: This is the way God is with us. We ask him for what we want, but He knows what we need. So He places a seed in our hearts and gives us signs to help us realize what we need is so much better than what we want.

Multiplying Your Time

"For every time there is a season . . ."

Do you start your day off with a bang? Everything starts out great and then you get distracted and everything falls apart. Or perhaps you hit the snooze button 'just one more time'. You wake up at the last possible minute, throw on the wrinkled clothes or whatever smells clean, yell at the kids to get out of bed, throw a pop tart at them, scream at the 4 year old because she can't find her shoes, and then really lose it when he/she starts crying because you yelled at them.

I've had days that run along smoothly as long as I'm doing what needs to be done. The minute I check the email for more than five minutes or try to check the comments on my blogs (even thought I'm not suppose to do that until the baby's nap time) everything falls to pieces. I run out of time to fix dinner without the children screaming. I don't get all of the laundry done for the day before midnight. Bedtime gets pushed back later and later to get things accomplished.

In contrast, when I stay on task, the list gets done. I may only have one hour and have literally 25 things to accomplish. If I stay the course moving from one project to another then it will get done. I also must remind myself that if I keep my patience when something or someone interrupts my flow then God will 'extend' my time. If I remain peaceful and calm with my children and take the 10 min. with the baby when he gets up from his nap then God will 'extend' my time.

So make out your to-do list and do it. Don't get distracted by the computer or a phone call. Devote your attention to the list and to your children without losing your temper and looking at the clock constantly. God will reward you with more time than you knew you had.

Put It In His Hands

I've been fighting this for so long, I'm not sure it's real. I've been fighting the housewife/homemaker thing. Don't ask why. It's a long, sordid story that just shows that I still have issues with my parents. But two weekends ago my husband threatened to leave if I didn't do something with our pigsty of a house. I guess that was my wake up call. See, he said he'd take the kids with him.

So after many tears and prayers I bit the bullet and I have been plowing through the clutter and the dirt. It's still not great but it is a drastic improvement. And my husband even noticed. He helped clean up the kitchen one night last weekend and then tonight he told me that the house looked nice.

I've even been cooking more and spending more time with my kids. Which I might add that my kids have been helping out more now that they see mom doing more. The one thing that I'm having to struggle to keep up with is my writing, but I am pressing on.

So I will put it in HIS hands. Each day I will start anew and put it in HIS hands. It is no longer my burden. I will do what is required of me and I pray Lord that you will give me enough hours in the day to accomplish those tasks. In Jesus name, Amen

Reaching Out

I have worked harder the past few days then I have in a while. I finally got the message, "Put up or shut up" I know this sounds crazy on a spiritual blog, but it's the truth. I have been whining about my situation in my personal and professional life for a few years. However, I have been going in circles this whole time. I knew the answer to my problem. It came to me after many a prayer. Change my thinking, change my attitude, but most of all change my actions. No matter how much my thinking changed, nothing else changed without my action.

I have made out many lists with my goals and my plan as to how to reach that goal. I have prayed, meditated, cried, pleaded, screamed, and agonized over how to improve my life, how to love my kids more, how to get my husband to love me like he used to, how to get closer to God. The one thing that I have put off, until now, is to TAKE ACTION. All of the good thoughts in the world won't help without putting in the effort to make it happen.

Four days and counting. My laundry is slowly catching up. My dining room is clean and we can use the table. My kitchen is a work in progress. My living room is clean as are the kids rooms. My bedroom is also a work in progress. Today I will tackle the remaining two rooms and my van. Clutter breeds chaos and stress and (in my case) anger. No more. It takes 21 days to make a habit. So I'm making new habits everyday.

Praise God that He has never left me. He has never given up on me. Even when I gave up on myself, even as I have hated myself. God never gave up. He was there to hold me and comfort me and to lead me through the darkness. He has been the one to prod me into action through one thing or another. I get it now. I understand that I have deep responsibilities to my children, my husband, to myself and to Him. He won't give me more then I can handle so I need to choke it up and "handle" it. And to quote someone else "I just wish He didn't trust me so much"

So if you're stuck on the treadmill and feel destined to repeat yourself just remember that the definition of insanity is 'doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results' I have been stuck in insanity for WAY too long. I hope that my post will help you out of yours.

Sincere Prayer

I am sure that a lot of you were praying yesterday and last night, as I was. When McCain gave his concession speech I was close to tears.

I asked God how this could happen? How could our great nation be so blind? Then I felt at peace. The words I heard in my heart were: Now is not the time. This happened so that you will all wake up and pay attention and take action on how your government is run. You will make an effort to find out what legislation is trying to be passed and take action on it. During the next election you will pound the pavement and let others know where the candidates stand on the issues. You will WORK.

This is what has given me peace about the election. (Plus it is sort of cool to have an African -American elected president during my lifetime.)

Tomorrow I will be back to life as usual, but today I just had to let you know that God is there and when you pray sincerely and openly he answers willingly and honesty.

Get Out and Vote

Today is the day. The one day that will change the next four (or more) years of your life. It is EXTREMELY important that you get out there and vote. Be prepared for long lines. Be prepared to stay for hours. Don't think, well I've got other things to do. HELLO! This will be a turning point in our country and YOUR VOTE COUNTS!!

Dress in layers so that if it gets hot or cold you can be comfortable in line. Bring drinks, snacks, a bagged lunch or dinner. (Don't drink too much you don't want to have to go to the bathroom.) Bring a book, a gameboy, an ipod, just something to keep you from getting bored. If you have kids take them along (I did). Whip out the strollers, toys, books, activities, snacks, sippy cups, you name it. Show them the importance of voting.

Make your voice count and take the time/make the time to cast your vote. While your at it , say a prayer for our country in this time of uncertainty. It is an honor to live in the United States and we should all remember that we have a voice because of the country we live in. So stop arguing amongst each other and just VOTE! And tomorrow, no matter who wins, we need to be thankful for this great country and instead of letting the winner divide us, we need to unite and make the best of things.

Stewardship and Giving Back

The Lord has placed it upon my heart to speak on this topic. I am not the best steward of my family's finances and it has gotten me in trouble more than once. It has also put a strain on my marriage.

I have heard the saying that if you give when God says to give then He will repay you for your faith. I remember a time in college when I had $5 in my pocket. It was my gas money. I had nothing else for a week. I worked at a fast food place, so I could eat while I was there and my manager let me take leftovers home sometimes, if I couldn't afford groceries that week. Well on this particular Sunday, God told me to put my last $5 in the offering plate. I resisted because without it I wouldn't get back and forth to work or school that week. After a short prayer I dropped it into the offering plate.

That afternoon I went to visit a friend. She had borrowed money from me a few weeks earlier. I didn't ask for the money. I was there for lunch as planned. She gave me the $20 she owed me. I know this may sound like coincidence to some, but I believe it was God. I had peace when I gave up my last $5 and swear I heard "I told you I would take care of you. For your faith, you are rewarded." I heard this last line after my friend gave me the $20 unexpectedly.

So I am pressed now to tell you about a friend who's blog reminded me of stewardship. I would like to tell you about the book she has written. You'll notice the link in the right hand column. It is titled, "The Busy Person's Prayer Book" I have read the book and it is wonderful! It is filled with short, easy to remember prayers, for lots of different occasions. They are easily memorized so that when you are scared, angry, sad, impatient, feeling lost or any other number of feelings, you can recall a prayer from this book. It is great for children also.

The author is a dear Christian woman who wrote this book to help others during their time of need. I pray that she may be blessed many times over for her continuing faith and relationship with God.

This Is Something New

I am adding a link to this blog so please bear with this post.
myLot User Profile

Open The Eyes of My Heart Lord

Here's a sermon that really touched my heart and I just have to share.

Politicked - Avalanche from Ed Young on Vimeo.

Learning to love again

I have some to realize, through prayer, that I am not a nice person. God has been showing me where I am being completely selfish. I have spent so many years doing for others that I have spent the past 2-3 years becoming very selfish and worrying that if I give of myself again that I will once again become lost.
God has shown me that in order for me to grow and become the woman that I should be I must learn to let go of my fear and learn to love not only myself, but my children and my husband once again. I love them, but not in the self-sacrificing way that I should and that will make me a better person.

God, I pray that you will open my heart so that I may let my loved ones inside once again. Allow me to accept the good with the bad and to remember that the good will always outweigh the bad as long as my heart is with you.

1 Cor. 13:4 "Love suffers long . . ."
Being patient is a form of love. In order to be patient we must respond nicely to a bad situation. Instead of getting angry and huffing and puffing, we must take a deep breath, say a quick prayer, and respond with kindness. The next time someone is yelling or belittling you, stop, breath and think about your true feelings for this person outside of the situation. I once read that "harsh words are never truly forgotten." I'm not sure how true that is. I do know that it takes ten positive statements to counteract every one negative one.

I challenge you (and myself) to treat our closest loved ones as visitors in our home instead of like our enemies. Bite your tongue instead of screaming.

Following God's Plan

God had to set me straight once again. I was so excited about this writing job that I had applied for. Finally a regular paying job that paid me once a week. Alright, go me!

Then came the news, Sorry you're not the quality writer we're looking for. OUCH! That was a kick in the butt. And the ego. So then I'm back to square one and could have used the money. My book isn't exactly flying off the shelves.

So I began praying about it and WHAM! God informed me that there will be time for that later. Right now is the time to get my family in order and focus on my fiction writing career. I'm still adjusting. I REALLY wanted to be bringing in some money to pay off our debt. But that's not the plan. And I have to follow God's plan if this writing career is going to work.

I am praying everyday that I will follow God's will and not my own. It's a little easier when I pray about it.

Do you talk to God?

The other day I was out walking on a nature trail, talking to God, telling Him how beautiful the birds and the trees and flowers are. Just inhaling the serenity of my surroundings.(This doesn't happen often so I was absorbing as much as I could.)

I glanced over to my right and a tree caught my eye. It just jumped out at me. The tree was straight at the trunk and about a fourth of the way up it begin to curve to the left then around to the right and straight up again. The tree was as tall as the others, it simply had a big curve near the bottom of it.

Have you ever seen a tree like that? One that has grown around power lines? Or one that was curved this way and that? I would like to think you had. If not then keep a look out because they appear everywhere. I digress.

When I spotted this tree on my walk, God spoke to me. (No I'm not crazy) He explained that a tree will grow straight up but sometimes there is an obstacle in its way or sometimes it gets trimmed back by outside forces (in the case of the power lines). Does the tree continue to grow in the direction of the obstacle or the direction? No. It grows around it towards the sun. And then He whispered, "That's what you must do. You must grow around your obstacles. It will not be easy and it may hurt but you will find your way and you will stand stronger than the short, growth stunted person that you were."

All I can say is WOW. Here I was just walking along, communing with God, and He throws this life changing message my way. Have you talked to God lately? Not a formal prayer but more like a phone conversation between two friends. Perhaps all you do is pray and you forget to wait quietly for the answer. Take a moment and listen. It just may change your life.

proverbs 24

Father God, I love and adore you. Thank you for your many words of wisdom. Thank you for your guidance. I come to you today in search of your truth and ask you to speak to my heart once again. In Jesus Name I pray, Amen.

Proverbs 24:3-4 "Through wisdom a house is built, And by understanding it is established; By knowledge the rooms are filled With all precious and pleasant riches."
Our foundation should be built upon God's wisdom. We need to fill our minds and our homes with knowledge. We need to continue to learn and grow. Change is hard. It really sucks sometimes. But it is essential to our lives and our lively hood.

Proverbs 24:5-6, 14,17-18,29-32
As you increase your knowledge then your strength increases. I think this goes for mental and physical things. As you increase your mental knowledge then you are more prepared for situations that life throws at you. We are slower to anger, slower to judge, able to assess a situation from a more calm and informed prospective. Just like as you increase your knowledge about health you make healthier decisions and your physical body becomes stronger. There are studies after studies about people that were ill or thought that their better days were over that after some education and applying the right methods they are healthier than they were ten or even twenty years ago.

Do not rejoice in the downfall of our enemies. Instead pray for them. (it will help you as well as them). I know that asking for God to bless them is a hard thing to do and you're thing "I don't wanna!" But praying for them will bring you peace. At first it may seem to be just lip service as you mumble "God bless so and so." But eventually it will get easier. Trust me, I prayed for my ex after my divorce (which was after his affair) It stinks at first but after awhile you will feel at peace and the pain will go away.

Proverbs 23

Lord, I praise you and thank you for the many blessings you have given me. I pray that you will guide me through your word. Help me to understand what you would have me to learn. Open my heart and pour you wisdom over me. In Jesus name Amen.

Proverbs 23:12 Apply your heart to instruction, And you ears to words of knowledge.
Once again I am reminded to keep my eyes on God's word and His instruction. To look and listen to wisdom and apply it to my life.

Proverbs 23:13 Do not withhold correction from a child, If you beat him with a rod he will not die
No I don't think that God wants us to beat our children. However I do think that we should discipline them. I think that is what this verse is talking about. We must discipline our children for their own good. They are not going to die if they have to clean their rooms or take out the trash.

Proverbs 23: 17,21,22
We should not envy those who have material possessions and do not have the Lord in their heart. Actually we shouldn't envy anyone. We need to look to the Lord for our needs and our wants( yes, it's okay to ask God for stuff that we want. God wants us to be happy and prosperous. It is not a sin to want to succeed. I promise it's not.)

Remember, though, that gluttony is gluttony. Whether by drink or by food. So those who sin by drinking too much are the same as those who sin by eating too much. Verse 21 says that those who are gluttonous will come to poverty. Hmmmm. Let's see, I stay drunk and I lose my job. Or perhaps you keep your job but you spend half your check on booze or perhaps you just never get a raise or a better job. Same thing for eating (of which I am very guilty). It is Very easy to spend way too much money on food. Especially if you buy a lot of fast food and such. (again guilty). When you sit down and determine how much it would cost if you ate only the food needed to survive and be healthy versus what you eat now, what is the price difference? Mine is something to be ashamed of. Also, how hard or easy is it for an obese/overweight person to get a job, keep a job, move up in a job? I am pointing this out because I think a lot of people don't consider this as gluttony. I have been a thin, healthy person and I am currently an overweight out of shape person. I know the difference. I know the difference in how I look, how I feel about myself, how I am treated, and about the amount of money I spend. So God isn't talking strictly about poverty in money terms but in your personal life, professional life, relationships, and in your very soul.

Most of us, no matter how much we like the taste of food (that's my problem, I love food) we don't like what our bodies look like or how we feel. So poverty can come in many forms.

Proverbs 22

Lord, help me to live this day with the wisdom I have learned and open my heart to what you have to teach me. In your name I pray, Amen

Proverbs 22:6,9,15,17,29

God has been teaching us all about collecting His wisdom and now He says "Go out and use it" He wants us to train our children and teach them wisdom. If we are generous with others then we, in turn, will be blessed. We should apply our hearts to the wisdom we have learned. If we excel at our work then we will be greatly blessed and be led to stand before kings.
Did you catch that? It applies to Proverbs 21. If we do our work and do it as best we can, strive for excellence, then we will STAND BEFORE KINGS. Pretty neat,huh?
So off I go to work on my excellence in my housework. I pray that you will find peace and understanding for your soul.

Proverbs 21

Lord, Enter my heart and give me the words that you need me to hear. Give me the guidance so that I may serve you better. In your name I pray, Amen

Proverbs 21:4, 5, 17,22,23,25

Once again wisdom prevails in the Proverbs. In this chapter I have learned that being haughty and proud are a sin (or should I say I am reminded of that). Being patient leads to great abundance-if you rush things then you will be poor. The old saying "All good things come to those who wait" comes to mind.
If you love pleasure, wine, money,etc. you will not be rich. If you love the Lord you will gain many riches.
Above all be wise, guard your mouth. Think before you speak. Work diligently at the job that God has given you. If it to work outside the home then do the best job you can do, regardless if you enjoy it or not. If you work inside the home then take it seriously. Keep a schedule and/or list of "jobs" to be done daily and DO THEM. I say this because I have not taken my stay-at-home job seriously enough and it has caused me great heartache in my marriage, with my children, with my family, and with myself. I pray that you may be able to find something helpful in these words and learn from them.

The Heart of a Woman

"Then the time came when the risk it took to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." -Anais Nin

This is where I am in my life's journey. I have come to the realization that if I don't change then my life will become a living Hell. Pardon the language. I thought that I was one of those people that embraced change, that loved a great adventure. I was wrong. I am terrified. I cried so hard last night I thought I would never stop. All because of the epiphany that I HAVE TO CHANGE. The way that I am now is no longer acceptable.
However, for all the fear there is a little excitement. I am pretending it is a great adventure and I am looking forward to finding my happiness once again. Finding my light heart.
A friend of mine read a book to our daughters a few weeks ago. It was called "Fancy Nancy". For those that don't know it,Fancy Nancy is this little girl who is all about dressing up in tutus and feather boas and pearl necklaces. She uses all kinds of "big, fancy words". Well as my friend was reading this book she looks at my daughter and says "Nancy is just like your mom"
Now this is a lady I went to high school with and we have only just moved close to one another again. I almost fell over. I'm standing in jeans and a tshirt with my hair in a ponytail and little to no make-up. Then it hit me. I use to be Fancy Nancy. I got all dressed up the way I wanted to, I didn't care if anyone else liked it. I liked it. Not only were my clothes different but I was light and carefree and "here I am, this is me, take me or leave me, I don't really care. And you know what? I didn't care. But then I realized that there was a difference back then. I had a close group of friends that I KNEW loved me no matter what. No matter what I did, they were there for me.
After high school we went our separate ways and I got married and then my husband cheated on me and I had no one to turn to but my mom and that didn't help. I felt alone and unwanted. I think that's where my Fancy Nancy went. I no longer felt carefree because I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders and that no one wanted the real me.
So now, many many many years later I realize I must find that fancy girl again and find the loving woman that went with her. I must do this to save my family from falling apart.

Proverbs 20

Lord, Direct my thoughts and my dreams. Direct me to the path you have chosen. In Your Name I Pray, Amen

Proverbs 20:4,7,11,13,20,21

Again I am reminded to renew my integrity (or to find it) and to not be lazy. I must remain patient and diligent. I must not rush things. Blessings are not rushed, they are cultivated. My children are young now and they try my patience even on my best days. But I must remember that God entrusted them to me to raise up to love him and to be intelligent, productive, God-fearing members of society. It is my job to train them, to teach them right from wrong and all the life skills that they will need in their future. I am equipped with this knowledge and I know that God will continue to guide my hands when need be.

Proverbs 19

Lord, I come to you humble and alone. Even though my family is large, I have distanced myself from them. I ask for your guidance and instruction as I read your word. In Your Name I Pray, Amen.

Proverbs 19:1 "Better is the poor who walks in his integrity Than one who is perverse in his lips, and is a fool."
This is something that I noticed in the last few chapters. God is really pressing the issue of integrity upon me. I must become a woman of integrity before I can move forward.

Proverbs 19:11 "The discretion of a man makes him slow to anger, And his glory is to overlook a transgression."
We have a choice. We can make the choice to become angry or to remain calm.

Proverbs 19:15 "Laziness casts one into a deep sleep, And an idle person will suffer hunger."
Have you ever noticed how the less you move the more tired you feel? That's me. The longer I sit the more tired and listless I feel. As for being idle and hungry, does the term couch potato ring a bell? How many of these truths do we already know but we refuse to acknowledge?

Pray to the Lord for guidance and he will show you a multitude of things. Remember that those without wisdom are the ones who are quick to anger and who are ready to constantly put people down and belittle them. I am just as guilty as the next person. But I don't want to be that person any more and now I have the knowledge staring me in the face so I can no longer play dumb.

Proverbs 18

Lord, I come to you humble. I am at your mercy and I know that you are the one that meets our needs. I pray many blessings and forgiveness on those that I feel anger toward. I know that I must forgive them for my sake if not forget what they do. I ask for you to teach me with your word. In Your Name I Pray, Amen.

Again I was overwhelmed with the number of verses that spoke to me. I shall simply list them. Proverbs 18:1-2,8-10,21

I am constantly asking for alone time, seeing as how I am the mom of 4 kids, I have come to realize recently that I am alone. Not in the physical form, but in the emotional form. I am not connected to my family. I often feel as if it is them against me. However, I still speak angrily and sometimes downright ugly even to my 1 year old. This is going to stop. I took a look at my behavior (after reading this proverb). I looked at me as if a stranger looking at my family. And do you know what? I was appalled. There is no other word for it. Ok, you can add shocked, hurt, disturbed. After studying over this past month I have come to learn that I must go to the Lord with my troubles, that no one can change my world except me and God, and that my words are weapons. You would think that as a writer I would know that already. But it has taken a good spiritual slap in the face to really get me to see it. The one word that has been plaguing my last few days of study is: integrity.

Integrity: steadfast adherence to a strict moral or ethical code; completeness, unity

Have you ever examined your life through a stranger's eyes? It's a brand new experience.

Proverbs 17

Lord, lead me to you and away from my sin. Help me to be the woman I was meant to be and the mother I desire to be.

Proverbs 17:14 "The beginning of strife is like releasing water;Therefore stop contention before it starts."
I see this as when I get upset with my kids or when they begin to fight. If I were to prepare and head off the beginning of the fight then they wouldn't get into a physical altercation or I wouldn't say things that I shouldn't.

Proverbs 17:22 "A merry heart does good, like medicine, But a broken spirit dries the bones."
They say happy people live longer. That laughter is the best medicine. I believe that that is true and now the Bible confirms it. Isn't God good?

Proverbs 17:27-28 "He who has knowledge spares his words,And a man of understanding is of a calm spirit. Even a fool is counted wise when holds his peace; When he shuts his lips, he is considered perceptive."
Do you ever notice that smart people don't have to prove they're smart? They don't boast and go on and on with how much they know. (at least REAL people with REAL wisdom don't do this.) The man who KNOWS he can win a fight is normally the one willing to walk away from a confrontation. See where I'm going with this? Smart people know they're smart and it doesn't matter what other people think.
The last verse reminds me of an old saying, "Better to remain silent and let people think you're stupid then to open your mouth and prove them right."
In other words, keeping your mouth closed could be the smarter thing to do.

Proverbs 16

Father God, Thank you for the many blessings you have given me. I come to you with a sense of peace. I focus all that I am on you. I pray for guidance. Guidance for my day and my life. In Your Name I Pray, Amen

There are too many verses in this chapter that spoke to me. I mean too many for me to put them all here. So I will list them and then have my say.

Proverbs 16:3,7,9,18,21,24,32

I have learned that I must look to God to show me the way that he wants me to go. If we let God direct our path then we will have peace and wisdom.

We must speak with kindness and compassion, not with ager or judgment. Harsh words only wound and harm people (especially my kids) and nice words will help heal their souls and their bodies and help them to learn instead of be angry like mommy. I need to be slow to anger. Be patient. They say be careful what you wish for. I used to pray for patience, now I have four kids, a dog and a gecko (yes like on the commercial). See I thought that God would just bless me with patience. Nope. He simply keeps adding to my plate until I figured out that patience was inside of me all along. He just wants me to use it. Whenever something happens that makes me angry I have to take a deep breath and realize that whatever it is normally is a result of something I didn't do. Are the kids extra cranky this morning? Did I try to wake them up at the same time I should have so that they don't have to rush to get out the door? Are they whining at me at dinner time? Did I wait too late to make dinner? Or did I not give them an adequate afternoon snack?

So the next time you lose your temper, remember, stop, breath, and think. What did I do to contribute to this situation or my anger level? What could have I changed before or during the event to keep my temper in check? These are questions I'm going to be using quite often.

Proverbs 15

Lord, Help me to be the woman you want me to be. Teach me the way that I need to change. I open my heart, my mind, and my soul to you. I want to become moldable and teachable so that I may change and therefore create change in the life that I lead. In Your Name I Pray, Amen

Proverbs 15:1-2 "A soft answer turns away wrath, But a harsh tongue stirs up anger. The tongue of the wise uses knowledge rightly, but the mouth of fools pours forth foolishness."

My take: Speaking in soft tones (not yelling) and choosing your words(not just speaking in anger) will help to keep the situation calm and help us to effectively communicate with others. If we yell and scream and say whatever we feel like then the person or persons that we're yelling at will only become angry with us and nothing gets solved.

Proverbs 15:4 "A wholesome tongue is a tree of life. But perverseness in it breaks the spirit."
Proverbs 15:12-13 "A scoffer does not love one who corrects him, Nor will he go to the wise. A merry heart makes a cheerful countenance, But the mouth of fools feeds on foolishness."

My take: If we speak with kindness, wisdom and a content heart then people will actually seek out our guidance. If we are rude, nasty and make judgemental or foolish comments then people will not want to be around us.

Proverbs 15:18 "A wrathful man stirs up strife, But he who is slow to anger allays contention."
Proverbs 15:28 "The heart of the righteous studies how to answer, But the mouth of the wicked pours forth evil."

My take: Someone (like me right now) who gets angry easily and then starts yelling and screaming like a crazy person only creates more anger and confusion and resentment. But those who have patience (like I am striving for right now) and chooses their words carefully will not only live in a more peaceful atmosphere, but they will be a leader for those around them.

These scriptures have been speaking to me a great deal. One of my biggest obstacles is my anger and temper. Once I can control that, then other aspects of my life will be a great deal easier.

Proverbs 14

Lord, I come to you in a time of need. I am stretched thin and in a bit of a confused state. I pray for clarity, for my mind to be unfuzzy, for my spirit to be open and for my mouth to only speak good, wonderful, praiseworthy words. I pray for you to take away the spiteful tongue that has taken root in my mouth and seems to only tear down those around me. I thank you for my wonderful family and pray that you will give my husband strength to make it through each day. I pray that he will be rewarded for his hard work. Help me to be an efficient helpmate.

Proverbs 14:1 "The wise woman builds her house, the foolish woman pulls it down with her hands."

My take: I have been struggling with the motivation to keep my house up to certain standards and now I see that it is unwise to allow my home to fall by the wayside no matter what comes my way.

Proverbs 14:16-18 (16)"A wise man hears and departs from evil, But a fool rages and is self-confident. (17) A quick-tempered man acts foolishly, And a man of wicked intentions is hated. (18) The simple inherit folly, But the prudent are crowned with knowledge."

Proverbs 14:23 "In all labor there is profit, But idle chatter leads only to poverty."

Proverbs 14:29-30 "He who is slow to wrath has great understanding, But he who is impulsive exalts folly. A sound heart is life to the body, But envy is rottenness to the bones."

All I have to say is ask and you shall receive. I try to write the prayers as I say them and before I read the chapter. It never ceases to amaze me how God puts the prayer in my heart and then lays the answer before me. I have been struggling to get my anger and yelling under control. It has gone on long enough and I have realized that it has been controlling me and not me controlling it. I get it now. Only fools yell and scream. (That's my take on it.) God wants us to stop and think before we act so that we act wisely and not foolishly.

Praise

Before I begin my normal Proverbs entry I would like to take the time to give God praise. I don't remember what prompted me to start this blog. I believe it was simply a feeling that if I were to blog my spiritual journey that perhaps I would be more diligent.

Then the book of Proverbs came to mind. I am sure that it was God inspired just as it was a few years ago when the lady told me to read it. However I'm slow and wasn't really ready to accept the things God had to tell me until now.

Now for the praise. Since I began studying Proverbs and putting it more into action, my life has been changing. Slowly, but noticeably. I am having more success in my career, a closer relationship with my kids and my marriage is getting better. It's not hugh dramatic changes, but my husband actually asked me out on a date last Friday. He hasn't done that in almost a year. And he's starting to be more affectionate (hand holding, hugging).

I just wanted to praise God and thank Him for all the blessings He is already bringing into my life and I am looking forward to a much more fulfilled and happy life as I grow closer to Him.

Lord, I praise you and thank you for never moving. I thank you for all the beautiful things in my life. Thank you for never leaving me and though I ran far away you were there to take me back. In Your Name I Pray, Amen

Proverbs 13

Lord, Guide me in your wisdom. Lead me into your understanding. Help me to leave myself and bask in our glory. I thank you and praise you for your many blessings and for never leaving my side. In Your Name I Pray, Amen

Proverbs 13:3 "He who guards his mouth preserves his life, But he who opens wide his lips shall have destruction."
Again I am reminded that I must think before I speak, because my words may cause harm to those around me.

Proverbs 13:4 "The soul of the lazy man desires, and has nothing;But the soul of the diligent shall be made rich"
I almost fell over when I read this. I an wonderful at planning things, but horrible about following through. This verse spoke straight to my heart. I will have nothing that I desire as long as I am "lazy" in other words until I learn to diligently seek my goals by putting actions behind my desires.

Proverbs 13:25 "The righteous eats to the satisfying of his soul, But the stomach of the wicked shall be in want."
This was interesting to me. I am currently overweight and I know that I constantly crave food even if I am not hungry. I love food. However, gluttony is a bad thing, as is being overweight because it affects my health and my quality of life. About five years ago I was in the best shape of my life. I ate just enough to fill me up. I in essence "ate to live" instead of what I do now which is "live to eat"

Proverbs 12

Lord, I come to you humble as ever. I come with an open heart and soul and a willingness to listen. In Your Name I Pray, Amen

Proverbs 12:4 "An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, But she who causes shame is like rottenness in his bones"
I have been struggling with this. With doing things that a wife and mother should do and not just what I want to do. This verse really hit home. As a wife who loves her husband I need to do things to make his life easier. Because more stress will just eat away at his health.

Proverbs 12:11 "He who tills his land will be satisfied with bread, But he who follows frivolity is devoid of understanding"
Another thing that speaks to my heart. To do what is expected of me and needed of me and not just play around. I am in need of growing up.

Proverbs 12:18 "There is one who speaks like the piercings of a sword, But the tongue of the wise promotes health."
My criticisms and hateful words wound just as much as if I were to do that person physical harm. I must think before I speak and try to never speak in anger.

Proverbs 12:25 "Anxiety in the heart of man causes depression, But a good word makes it glad."
Say a prayer when anxiety threatens to take hold. For anxiety only causes you to sink deeper into a black hold that will hold you down until you struggle and claw your way back out.

Proverbs 11

Lord, I come to you in humble obedience. I know that I am far from perfect. I know that as I grow closer to you I will stumble and fall and I must remember to look to you to help me up. Or to help me realize I'm okay and that I am stronger than I think I am when you are with me. In Your Name I Pray, Amen

I could not pick just one verse to help understand this Proverb. There were many that spoke to me in many different ways. So here are the ones that stood out more than the others. I find the same recurring voice that wisdom is to be sought after in order to have a fulfilling life.

Proverbs 11:2 "When pride comes,then comes shame; But with the humble is wisdom"
My take: do not be boastful with nothing to back it up. Remain quiet until you can speak with wisdom, however do not speak to impress, simply speak to share your wisdom with others.


Proverbs 11:12 "He who is devoid of wisdom despises his neighbor, But a man of understanding holds his peace"
My take: If you have wisdom then you know how to control your anger and hate and you do not have to vent them as you would if you are ignorant.

Proverbs 11:17 "The merciful man does good for his own soul, But he who is cruel troubles his own flesh."
My take: if you are merciful and compassionate then you will have peace down to your soul. If you are mean and hateful then you will be troubled not only in your mind, but anger and such can affect you physically.

Proverbs 11:22 "As a ring of gold in a swine's snout, So is a lovely woman who lacks discretion."
My take: the ring may be made of gold and may be beautiful, but it's still attached to a nasty pig, so a woman may be beautiful but if she had a loose mouth or loose habits then she is just as ugly as the pig.

I have a problem with many of these things. Especially the anger. These words speak straight to my heart, reminding me that no matter your outside, if your inside is ugly then you will be also. I have been so obsessed with trying to get my outside to look better that I have forgotten that what I really need to do is make my soul more beautiful. When my soul is beautiful then the outside will become so.

No Other Words

Our Deepest Fear

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others."

~ Marianne Williamson - from "A Return To Love" ~

Busy, busy

I confess I didn't get around to my Bible study today so here's a prayer that's been on my heart.

Lord, I come to you in my hour of need. I thank you for my many blessings and I ask that you help to lengthen my day where it is needed. I know that the actual time will not increase, however I ask that you give me a spirit of peace and not of anxiety. Help me to realize what needs to be done versus what I want to get done. Open my heart and mind so that I my hear your voice through out the day and that I may be receptive to your guidance. I pray that I will not be idle and also that I shall not be rushed.
I know that as I ask these things of you you are already touching my very soul to prepare it for the tasks that lay ahead of me. Thank you for knowing what I need and when I need it. Thank you for helping me to remember that even when we are rushed we must take a few moments to talk to you and ask for your help in our daily lives.
In Your Name I Pray, Amen

Just a Thought

I heard a preacher one time say "If you find yourself far away from God then you must ask yourself why you moved. Not why God moved. He never moves. It's us who decides how close to stay to Him or how far away to go."

So I ask you and myself: When you look for God, how far away are you? Are you standing beside Him? Maybe only a few feet away? A few blocks? Miles? Can you see God from where you are?

I can still see Him, but He is far off. I am taking a step closer towards Him everyday. I think it shall be a long journey. However, I am hoping that perhaps for every step I take that He will take one also. I hope that makes sense. I know that God wants a relationship with us, but I also know that when we stray we must learn something or we will stay lost in the wilderness.

Proverbs 10

Lord, Thank you for the opportunity to serve you and for the wisdom that you have bestowed upon me lately. I eagerly await your voice speaking to my heart. In Your Name I Pray, Amen.

Proverbs 10:12 "Hatred stirs up strife, But love covers all sins."
Proverbs 10:17 "He who keeps instruction is in the way of life, But he who refuses correction goes astray."

What I have taken from this chapter is that wisdom and knowledge will bring you life and prosperity. Being hateful and mean will only cause death and destruction. Staying calm, using kindness and speaking in love will go a long way to help keep life peaceful and keep those around you feeling loved and wanted.I have a lot of work to do in order to keep my mouth in check. I often, really often let anger control my words. It is a horrible thing. Using my new found wisdom I hope to pay better attention to what I am going to say when I get mad. I guess I'll go back to my other saying "Stop. Breath. Think." As in think before I speak.

Proverbs 9

Lord, Open the eyes of my heart. I want to see you. I want to hear you. I want to feel you in my heart and soul. I cry out to you with all of my being. Help me to know what you would have me to know. In Your Name I Pray, Amen.

Proverbs 9: 7-9 "He who corrects a scoffer gets shame for himself. And he who rebukes a wicked man only harms himself. Do not correct a scoffer, lest he hate you; Rebuke a wise man, and he will love you. Give instruction to a wise man, and her will be still wiser; Teach a just man, and he will increase in learning."

We need to look only at ourselves when it comes to wisdom and knowledge. A wise person doesn't point out the wicked or stupid things to those that do them. It only hurts us when we do. We must look at instruction as a way to become more wise and not as a way to remind us we are stupid. (Or that we still have so much to learn)

Wise women is not idle, she works at what she is good at and invites people to help them to understand how to use their knowledge. A foolish woman leads others astray. She doesn't seek wisdom, she's lazy, and she encourages others to be lazy and stupid. I'm sorry if that word offends some people, but come on ladies. If you wallow in your own lack of understanding and do nothing to educate yourself in some form or fashion then what other word is there? I'm not saying you have to be a scholar. Just strive to be the best at what you do. Whatever you choose to do in your life, find out the best way to do it. Challenge your mind daily.

Proverbs 8

Lord, Give me a clean heart, a pure mind, and a willing spirit. May I hear your voice above all others. I praise your holy name with all that I am. In Your Name I Pray, Amen.

Proverbs 8: 9-11 "They are all plain to him who understands, And right to those who find knowledge. Receive my instruction, and not silver, And knowledge rather than choice gold; For wisdom is better than rubied, And all the tings one may desire cannot be compared with her."

If you search for wisdom, you will find it. If you search your heart and your soul and you really look into yourself,look into the place where you and God meet, then you will know which direction that wisdom will lead you. Wisdom has been here from the beginning of time. With wisdom comes love and rewards. If you choose wisdom over sliver and gold then the silver and gold will come to you in greater amounts than if you had chosen the silver and gold to start with.

Proverbs 7

Lord, I come to you in search of wisdom and love.I pray for an open heart, an open mind and an open spirit. I want to open myself to you and be receptive to your words and your will. In Your Name I Pray, Amen.

Proverbs 7:25-27 "So not let your heart turn aside to her ways, So not stray into her paths; For she has cast down many wounded, And all who were slain by her were strong men. Her house is the way to hell, Descending to the chambers of death."

I have taken this two ways. One is literal, in that it is best to educate our children in sexual matters. You cannot escape the dangers of adultery. You must guard your heart and mind from those that would seek to lure you away from your spouse.

The second way I read this is to say that we must guard ourselves against any temptation. Sex, food, money, etc. can be our downfall. Whatever becomes our obsession and takes us away from our families and from our spiritual relationship from God. We must also educate our children on the dangers and lures of different temptation.

Proverbs 6

Lord, Give me a heart to receive your instruction and to understand your wisdom. In Your Name I Pray, Amen

Proverbs 6:16-19
"These six things the Lord hates,Yes, seven are an abomination to Him; A proud look, a lying tongue, Hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked plans, Feet that are swift in running to evil, a false witness who speaks lies, and one who sows discord among brethren."

How many of us are guilty of any of these things? Raise your hands. Come on, you in the back too. We've all done one of these at one time or another. You've lied about how late you stayed out the night before or how much money you spent at the store the other day. How about being a Sunday Christian? Does your life show what you believe or do you just talk a good talk? I can talk about spirituality all day, but putting it into practice is a constant struggle. I must ask for help not only daily but sometimes hourly.

What I took away from Proverbs 6 as a whole was this: Your word is your bond, do not make a statement that you cannot follow through with. Laziness and idleness and failure to work show that you do not have God's wisdom and such lack of action will lead to poverty. In order to tell the character of a person, watch how they hold themselves, watch their body language. In the same respect, we must watch our own body language because it speaks volumes as to what type of person we are.

God hates anything that will hurt others, so before you speak or act think about how the other person will feel or react to your actions/words. Think of where they are coming from, why they might have said or did what they did, then react.

We cannot always control our environment, but we can control how we react to things. So the next time your three year old is spilling milk in the floor or raiding the refrigerator, don't yell, ask yourself why. Were you 'too busy' to get the little one something to drink? Are you 'busy' and it's lunch time? Was he/she just trying to help?

I think the best advice I have gotten about getting angry or frustrated came from the kids show "Blues Clues". They tell you to "Stop. Breath(take a deep breath). and Think." Now I don't always follow this thinking. Some days I don't follow it at all. But I believe it's something we should all strive for. Sometimes when I take my deep breath I say a little prayer "Lord help me through this". It's not muttered like a curse word, it's a heartfelt prayer. Amazingly I feel much more peaceful when I do say it.

Proverbs 5

Lord, Open my heart and my mind. Help me to praise you and accept your guidance. I pray that I can keep your wisdom with me at all times. In Your Name I Pray, Amen.

Proverbs 5: 1-2
"My son, pay attention to my wisdom; Lend your ear to my understanding, That you may preserve discretion, And your lips may keep knowledge."

This whole Proverb is about resisting temptation. Keep your eyes and ears on God, do not give into temptation. The other man or lady may look attractive but they are someone you really don't know well and they will lead to your downfall. The other life may look better to you, as in being single instead of toughing it out in your marriage. It too will lead to your downfall. The grass always looks greener on the other side but it is an illusion. Because when you reach the other side, the side you started on will look greener. Stay the course with your family and lean on God's instruction. He will help us to tend the fields we live in and to nourish them so that our fields will be greener than any possible temptation around us.

I confess that there are times when I want to run away from my life. To leave everyone and everything I know behind. And then I realize that what I really want is a happier, more peaceful life with those I love. I can't get that by running away. I can only get that through hard work and through change. Changing me into a more peaceful and loving person so that those around me will become the same. Whatever spirit we send out is what is reflected to us. So if we send out anger and discourse then that is all that we will know. If we send out love, patience and kindness then we will receive it ten fold.

Proverbs 4

Lord, open my heart and my mind, I invite you in to do some housecleaning. My heart has been filled with cement and my mind has been filled with trash and anger. My soul has become weakened because of the state of my heart, mind and body. I come to you asking you to clean out the cobwebs in my heart, to declutter my mind and to help me to resist the junk that I keep putting into my body in an effort to feed my soul. I come to you with a spirit of openness in hopes that you my free me from these bonds of anger and chaos. In Your Name I Pray, Amen

Proverbs 4: 42-25
"Put away from you a deceitful mouth, And put perverse lips far from you. Let your eyes look straight ahead, And your eyelids look right before you."

Keep wisdom in your heart. Speak only kind words, keep curse words from your mouth, keep your eyes on your purpose, your goals, your life. These are the words that came to me as I read Proverbs 4. I believe the best thing we can do to change ourselves is to become open vessels, to remember what our goals and purposes are and to actively apply them to our lives.

I must remember that my children are people and that no matter what my other goals are, I am their and therefore it is my job to teach them life skills, life lessons, manners, discipline, how to read, how to count, how to treat other people and much more. It is my job to make them into productive members of society.

I must also remember that the old saying "Do as I say not as I do." is only that, a saying.
Children copy what they see and they rarely listen. So if I want them to be kind and compassionate then I must show them the same. If I want them to be responsible then so must I be. So perhaps we should determine what type of people we want our children to be and then strive to be that type of person ourselves.

I'm sure that I'm not the only one with the selfish tendencies. :)
I believe that if we begin to instruct our children, truly selflessly then our time will multiply so that we will have time for ourselves and our children will be happier. Try this experiment. Instead of surfing the net during the baby's nap (or whatever else you do in your "free" time) try doing the chore that you're putting off. When you're done check out the clock. I'll bet you have time left over.

Proverbs 3

Lord, I come to you with an open heart and an open mind. Fill them with your word, your spirit and your peace. In Your Name I Pray, Amen

Proverbs 3:5-6
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding;In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths."

Do not be troubled in your heart. Listen to the Lord and He will guide us. Honor and trust in God and He will provide for our peace of mind. Keep mercy and truth in your heart. What came to mind when I read this Proverb was the old saying "Do as I say and not as I do". I had the epiphany that children almost never do what we say but they almost always do as we do.

Perhaps it's time for us to grow up. How do we want our children to act? Do we want them to be honest, trustworthy, kind, considerate, giving, humble? Now is the time for us to emulate those things. I want my children to be honest, trustworthy and compassionate. There are other things I want for my kids. So I plan on going through the qualities I want to instill in them and then start to examine my behavior as to how I can change and become the kind of person I want them to be along with the type of person I would like to be.

Again, to live by wisdom and knowledge, not by emotion.

Proverbs 2

Lord help me to discern the knowledge and wisdom in what you have for me to learn.I praise you and thank you for this opportunity to grow closer to you and closer to my family. In your name I pray, Amen.

Proverbs 2: 10-11
"When wisdom enters your heart, and knowledge is pleasant to your soul, Discretion will preserve you;Understanding will keep you."

Using your brain instead of your emotions will keep you whole and preserve your peace. So before you yell at your babies, think about why they did what they did and act accordingly. Did they spill the mild because they've been asking you for some for 30 minutes and you keep saying just a minute? Is it really their fault? Or could you have prevented it by taking 5 minutes to get them a drink? I only ask this because I myself am having to take a long hard look at my reaction to my kids and I realize that a lot of strife in my home is my own making. It's time to change. Time to grow up.

Proverbs 1

Proverbs 1:5
"A wise man will hear and increase learning, ans a man of understanding will attain wise counsel,"

I believe that this best sums up Proverbs 1. That we must constantly seek knowledge and understanding. We must seek knowledge not only from the Bible and other books, but from people, from our ourselves, our husbands and our children. We must seek to understand them, to know them as people and not just extensions of ourselves. We must seek not only to co-exist with them but to create a community within our home. God gave us families to learn how to co-operate and live as communities. We must relearn these skills not only to teach our children, but to remind ourselves. Some of us were never taught these skills to start with, we must study and learn them in order to teach our families.

Welcome to my world

I have been stumbling my way through motherhood for the better part of ten years. What I first loved has now become a chore. I actually wake up thinking how many hours until bed time. How sad is that? Part of me wants to embrace motherhood to my four little ones, throw myself into cooking, cleaning, crafting, playing, teaching and all the other things that go with it. The other part of me, the one I've allowed to gain way to much control over me, just wants to run away screaming.
I discovered that no matter how many times I plan and promise and vow to change, it doesn't happen. In that discovery I noticed that my spirit is in constant turmoil. God wouldn't have given me these children without a reason and a purpose and the more I fight that the more miserable my whole family will be and the more screwed up my kids will be.
So this is me, trying to find my way back to my spirituality and my family.
I met a woman once who had five kids and at any one time could have up to ten kids as she was a foster mother over and above her five biological children. I was pregnant with my fourth and already feeling crazy. I asked her how she managed it all. She said with a lot of help from God. At some point during the conversation she recommended I read the Proverbs, one per day and meditate on them. I started once, but I wasn't accountable and fell behind. So I will try again. Beyond that we'll see where the journey leads.
This is for all the women suffering in silence, feeling like horrid mothers because you scream at your kids or you sometimes let the curse words fly when we know we shouldn't. For those that are sometimes quick to spank when you know you should calm down before doing so, for those who want to break down in the grocery store when your kids just won't be quiet. Or when you're trying to type on the computer and the toddler wants to help you type. This blog is for you. This is your quiet spot. Thank you for reading.