Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Welcome to my world

I have been stumbling my way through motherhood for the better part of ten years. What I first loved has now become a chore. I actually wake up thinking how many hours until bed time. How sad is that? Part of me wants to embrace motherhood to my four little ones, throw myself into cooking, cleaning, crafting, playing, teaching and all the other things that go with it. The other part of me, the one I've allowed to gain way to much control over me, just wants to run away screaming.
I discovered that no matter how many times I plan and promise and vow to change, it doesn't happen. In that discovery I noticed that my spirit is in constant turmoil. God wouldn't have given me these children without a reason and a purpose and the more I fight that the more miserable my whole family will be and the more screwed up my kids will be.
So this is me, trying to find my way back to my spirituality and my family.
I met a woman once who had five kids and at any one time could have up to ten kids as she was a foster mother over and above her five biological children. I was pregnant with my fourth and already feeling crazy. I asked her how she managed it all. She said with a lot of help from God. At some point during the conversation she recommended I read the Proverbs, one per day and meditate on them. I started once, but I wasn't accountable and fell behind. So I will try again. Beyond that we'll see where the journey leads.
This is for all the women suffering in silence, feeling like horrid mothers because you scream at your kids or you sometimes let the curse words fly when we know we shouldn't. For those that are sometimes quick to spank when you know you should calm down before doing so, for those who want to break down in the grocery store when your kids just won't be quiet. Or when you're trying to type on the computer and the toddler wants to help you type. This blog is for you. This is your quiet spot. Thank you for reading.

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