"Then the time came when the risk it took to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." -Anais Nin
This is where I am in my life's journey. I have come to the realization that if I don't change then my life will become a living Hell. Pardon the language. I thought that I was one of those people that embraced change, that loved a great adventure. I was wrong. I am terrified. I cried so hard last night I thought I would never stop. All because of the epiphany that I HAVE TO CHANGE. The way that I am now is no longer acceptable.
However, for all the fear there is a little excitement. I am pretending it is a great adventure and I am looking forward to finding my happiness once again. Finding my light heart.
A friend of mine read a book to our daughters a few weeks ago. It was called "Fancy Nancy". For those that don't know it,Fancy Nancy is this little girl who is all about dressing up in tutus and feather boas and pearl necklaces. She uses all kinds of "big, fancy words". Well as my friend was reading this book she looks at my daughter and says "Nancy is just like your mom"
Now this is a lady I went to high school with and we have only just moved close to one another again. I almost fell over. I'm standing in jeans and a tshirt with my hair in a ponytail and little to no make-up. Then it hit me. I use to be Fancy Nancy. I got all dressed up the way I wanted to, I didn't care if anyone else liked it. I liked it. Not only were my clothes different but I was light and carefree and "here I am, this is me, take me or leave me, I don't really care. And you know what? I didn't care. But then I realized that there was a difference back then. I had a close group of friends that I KNEW loved me no matter what. No matter what I did, they were there for me.
After high school we went our separate ways and I got married and then my husband cheated on me and I had no one to turn to but my mom and that didn't help. I felt alone and unwanted. I think that's where my Fancy Nancy went. I no longer felt carefree because I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders and that no one wanted the real me.
So now, many many many years later I realize I must find that fancy girl again and find the loving woman that went with her. I must do this to save my family from falling apart.
1 comment:
Oh, Shelly, my heart nearly broke reading this post. Fancy Nancy is not gone, she is still there. And you are loved, by anyone who reads your posts. You have no idea what your insights mean to the reader. You have shared your innermost thoughts and fears, and hopes, too. As long as you have hope, you will be all right. Please remember that. Change does not come all at once. In some areas of our lives, not at all. But look at how you remembered your youth. We can't go back to that, completely. But I think you are too worried about what others think of you right now. Just stay the caring, loving, sharing "you" that comes through in these posts. The rest will follow. Praying for you with my whole heart and soul. Hugs. Evie
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