Inner Peace

Lord, I come to you with an open heart asking that you guide me during this day and beyond. Show me how to be the woman you would have me to be, to free myself from the past and embrace the future. In Jesus Name, Amen

I had a piece all prepared to write and when I sat down at the keyboard all of my words left me. No kidding. Nothing. Blank mind. Not a single thought of my "brilliant" post was left. So what better way to start than with a prayer. As I type these words I feel a calmness that wasn't there before. A calmness that I have desperately needed during the past few days.

You see, I have been taking care of sick children for an entire week now. And Friday I was sick myself. Not just sick, but the "I really am going to die" type sick. And lucky for me hubby had to work all day Saturday also, so no rest for the mommy. I noticed yesterday that the 'loving, caring, anything for you sweetie' mommy was disappearing quickly. My wonderful 4 year old who has been sick the longest was very whiny and not very receptive to any medicinal solutions I had for her. So a snapped at her more than a few times. Not nice, but that's where I was in the sick, sleep deprived role of motherhood.

My baby was finally able to sleep at 2AM this morning. Just long enough for me to take a nap. My alarm was set for 5AM. Time to start my day. Needless to say it has been a very LONG week for all of us. I prayed over her numerous times yesterday because she was so tired and so weak and nothing seemed to help her cough. Well praise God because her cough is finally gone and she is sleeping even now as I type.

I wish I had prayed sooner. I cannot believe I left it as long as I did. But yesterday it dawned on me. What would it take for her to be gone from me? She looked so pitiful and she hadn't really eaten in days. A few crackers here and there and some soup but not a lot. When I really sat down and thought about it I began to cry and pray. I realize that she is here for however long the Lord allows, just like all of us. So I need to keep my role as her caretaker in perspective and do just that.

I know that I will still struggle with my temper and that patience is not my strength but I can find it in HIM. The Lord taught me that I need to stay close to Him so that I can be the woman He wants me to be, the woman He created me to be.

So I ask, where do you stand? I do have to remind myself that it's not all about the destination but also the journey.
I hope some of these ramblings made sense. :)

Reaching Out

I have worked harder the past few days then I have in a while. I finally got the message, "Put up or shut up" I know this sounds crazy on a spiritual blog, but it's the truth. I have been whining about my situation in my personal and professional life for a few years. However, I have been going in circles this whole time. I knew the answer to my problem. It came to me after many a prayer. Change my thinking, change my attitude, but most of all change my actions. No matter how much my thinking changed, nothing else changed without my action.

I have made out many lists with my goals and my plan as to how to reach that goal. I have prayed, meditated, cried, pleaded, screamed, and agonized over how to improve my life, how to love my kids more, how to get my husband to love me like he used to, how to get closer to God. The one thing that I have put off, until now, is to TAKE ACTION. All of the good thoughts in the world won't help without putting in the effort to make it happen.

Four days and counting. My laundry is slowly catching up. My dining room is clean and we can use the table. My kitchen is a work in progress. My living room is clean as are the kids rooms. My bedroom is also a work in progress. Today I will tackle the remaining two rooms and my van. Clutter breeds chaos and stress and (in my case) anger. No more. It takes 21 days to make a habit. So I'm making new habits everyday.

Praise God that He has never left me. He has never given up on me. Even when I gave up on myself, even as I have hated myself. God never gave up. He was there to hold me and comfort me and to lead me through the darkness. He has been the one to prod me into action through one thing or another. I get it now. I understand that I have deep responsibilities to my children, my husband, to myself and to Him. He won't give me more then I can handle so I need to choke it up and "handle" it. And to quote someone else "I just wish He didn't trust me so much"

So if you're stuck on the treadmill and feel destined to repeat yourself just remember that the definition of insanity is 'doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results' I have been stuck in insanity for WAY too long. I hope that my post will help you out of yours.

The Heart of a Woman

"Then the time came when the risk it took to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." -Anais Nin

This is where I am in my life's journey. I have come to the realization that if I don't change then my life will become a living Hell. Pardon the language. I thought that I was one of those people that embraced change, that loved a great adventure. I was wrong. I am terrified. I cried so hard last night I thought I would never stop. All because of the epiphany that I HAVE TO CHANGE. The way that I am now is no longer acceptable.
However, for all the fear there is a little excitement. I am pretending it is a great adventure and I am looking forward to finding my happiness once again. Finding my light heart.
A friend of mine read a book to our daughters a few weeks ago. It was called "Fancy Nancy". For those that don't know it,Fancy Nancy is this little girl who is all about dressing up in tutus and feather boas and pearl necklaces. She uses all kinds of "big, fancy words". Well as my friend was reading this book she looks at my daughter and says "Nancy is just like your mom"
Now this is a lady I went to high school with and we have only just moved close to one another again. I almost fell over. I'm standing in jeans and a tshirt with my hair in a ponytail and little to no make-up. Then it hit me. I use to be Fancy Nancy. I got all dressed up the way I wanted to, I didn't care if anyone else liked it. I liked it. Not only were my clothes different but I was light and carefree and "here I am, this is me, take me or leave me, I don't really care. And you know what? I didn't care. But then I realized that there was a difference back then. I had a close group of friends that I KNEW loved me no matter what. No matter what I did, they were there for me.
After high school we went our separate ways and I got married and then my husband cheated on me and I had no one to turn to but my mom and that didn't help. I felt alone and unwanted. I think that's where my Fancy Nancy went. I no longer felt carefree because I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders and that no one wanted the real me.
So now, many many many years later I realize I must find that fancy girl again and find the loving woman that went with her. I must do this to save my family from falling apart.